He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
