My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
