i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
