we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
