Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
