my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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