ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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