This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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