dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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