please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I wish I only lived at night.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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