For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
