I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
