I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
foreskin is a definite game changer
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
