WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
