New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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