I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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