I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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