It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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