when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
