i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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