Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
