Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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