Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
