I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
