I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
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