First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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