so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
