So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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