I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
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