Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
