Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
