sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
