I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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