I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I enjoy the company of your penis
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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