I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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