I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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