Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
