Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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