the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
