those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
