i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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