Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
