hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
