Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
