yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
