Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
