wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
