WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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