You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
