She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
