he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
